Rodney Dangerfield dead at 82

Rodney Dangerfield one-liners

Wednesday, October 6, 2004 Posted: 8:35 AM EDT (1235 GMT)

(AP) — A sampling of comedian Rodney Dangerfield’s one-liners:

Oct. 5, 2004, Joke of the Day on Dangerfield’s Web site:

* “I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, ‘There goes the neighborhood!’ ”

* * * * *

* “When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.”

* “When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream.”

* “Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: ‘Basement?’ ”

* “When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. … and no one showed up.”

* “I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. There was nobody home.”

* “When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

* “When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother’s.”

* “With my wife, I don’t get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.”

* “With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.”

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