“Welcome to therapy, Mr. McDowell,” you say.
“Thanks…it’s good to be here,” I mumble.
Is it sad that I think of my blog as a therapy session sometimes? I always have mixed feeling when I blog. I guess I’m just way too transparent, or too real…or I just don’t like to put up fronts. I really despise fakeness.
I have mixed feelings this morning. Kandice kissed me good-bye this morning at 7:15, heading off to her new job which she is very excited about. And here I sit…unemployed…again. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for Kandice. She has my full support and I am convinced she will do awesome at this job. I must admit though, my feelings are often like, “Hey God…when is it my turn?” My spiritual red lights are going off telling me that I am being selfish. When things like that happen, I try to just get on my knees and pray and say, “Ok God, I know that You know this, but here is how I’m feeling…and I have to give this to You or it is going to eat me up inside.” I have cried to God, screamed at God, screamed to God, and yes, I have been angry with God (futile effort by the way). Some people think that this is irreverent. I just get really tired of hiding my true feelings behind pious prayers. God knows how I am feeling. He is God of the universe and knows everything…why should I pretend that He isn’t aware of my feelings? He is my best friend, my all in all, everything I need. And sometimes my feelings just get in the way, like this morning.
So here I am, alone again in the house during the day, looking for work, praying to God about my feelings and about me finding a new job. In a way, it is liberating. In other ways, it is constricting and dangerous. In many ways, it is like that first big hill on a roller coaster…and I’m just hanging on for my life.