“Hey God…It’s Me, David…Are You There?”

“Welcome to therapy, Mr. McDowell,”  you say.

“Thanks…it’s good to be here,” I mumble.

Is it sad that I think of my blog as a therapy session sometimes?  I always have mixed feeling when I blog.  I guess I’m just way too transparent, or too real…or I just don’t like to put up fronts.  I really despise fakeness.

I have mixed feelings this morning.  Kandice kissed me good-bye this morning at 7:15, heading off to her new job which she is very excited about.  And here I sit…unemployed…again.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for Kandice.  She has my full support and I am convinced she will do awesome at this job.  I must admit though, my feelings are often like, “Hey God…when is it my turn?”  My spiritual red lights are going off telling me that I am being selfish.  When things like that happen, I try to just get on my knees and pray and say, “Ok God, I know that You know this, but here is how I’m feeling…and I have to give this to You or it is going to eat me up inside.”  I have cried to God, screamed at God, screamed to God, and yes, I have been angry with God (futile effort by the way).  Some people think that this is irreverent.  I just get really tired of hiding my true feelings behind pious prayers.  God knows how I am feeling.  He is God of the universe and knows everything…why should I pretend that He isn’t aware of my feelings?  He is my best friend, my all in all, everything I need.  And sometimes my feelings just get in the way, like this morning.

So here I am, alone again in the house during the day, looking for work, praying to God about my feelings and about me finding a new job.  In a way, it is liberating.  In other ways, it is constricting and dangerous.  In many ways, it is like that first big hill on a roller coaster…and I’m just hanging on for my life.


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